The Rookies

No, dude, I swear. ESPN does this all the time.

Speaking Sputnik is, well, speechless. Here are the juicier excerpts from the Week 6 NFL QBs’ diaries.

Dear Diary,

Call me greased lightning because I sure as HELL struck twice! ESPN calls me a hero; Ray Lewis should just call me “Sir” because we got out of there with a W thanks to my GUN! YEAH! I mean, I might as well have told Longwell to sit himself down so I could kick the game-winning field goal! I could have done it! Flacco looked really depressed after the game so I told him– hey no big, kid. He doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to give him and Stafford lessons on how to be Gunslingers one day. It’s going to be so sweet having my NFL brethren respect me! JaMarcus texted me today, but I don’t know, man, he shredded that Philadelphia D like he was a Pit Bull; he doesn’t need me to improve his Rocket Arm. Life coach teaching me proper use of semicolon for weekly ESPN column on myself. Favre out.

Brett Favre

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My name is Speaking Sputnik and I am a Cubs fan. Why, you might ask, root for a team so famously bad, a cursed team, one that hasn’t won a championship for 101 years, a team known more for its ballpark’s atmosphere (Ozzie Guillen continues to assert that it is, indeed, simply a bar; I think that he just means the bleachers), than for anything it has done on the field recently? I was at Game Six of the 2003 NLCS, the Bartman game. I saw my team six outs from the World Series, and I saw them collapse as they are so want to do. I also was privileged enough to attend Game Two of the 2005 World Series, and, frankly, I enjoyed the Bartman game more. The Sox victory, while thrilling, could not compare to the feeling of my team, my cursed, sure-to-lose, choketastic team, being so close to the World Series that we could hardly fail to grasp it. I really thought I was witnessing history. Of course, reality intervened and the Flubs are the Flubs. I don’t blame Bartman, but, well, what if Alou had caught that foul pop?

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Speaking Sputnik has been fighting against Roger Goodell’s Storm Troopers in support of the Fair Catch Kick, but he still broke into your favorite quarterbacks’ houses to get these gems. He also shared a crate of beets with John Madden. Viva la revolución!

Dear Diary,

Your move, Brees.

Peyton Manning

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Brett Who?

Speaking Sputnik rallied from a blurry Saturday night to take a guess at what your favorite NFL quarterback is thinking right now.

Dear Diary,

Duuuuuuuude, we totally stuck those Pats like they were UCLA or something. I was sort of surprised, I mean I sort of expected my first game against Brady to be a pressure cooker or something. It was pretty chill, dude. I mean, the Jets fans totally weren’t that racist after I got that TD in the third, and our defense pretty much handled Brady. I was just sort of hoping that Kerry Rhodes wouldn’t get eaten, but the win was pretty nice. Hopefully I can, like, do better than Leinart and Palmer. I don’t even have Ochowhoever to throw to, dude. Solid game, solid. Peace.

Mark Sanchez

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Week One was an interesting week for NFL quarterbacks; Speaking Sputnik imagines what may be going through some of the more notable QB’s heads.

Dear Diary,

I am a stud. What, we were playing the Lions? Whatever. Hello, Pro Bowl.

Drew Brees

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