Well, ABC rolled out the first new version of “Superstars” since 2003 last night. Now, normally this show would be worth watching just for the fact that T.O. is in it along with a bunch of shapely women wearing spandex, but this version is especially worthwhile for us because it includes perennial Rookies whipping boy Jeff Kent.
And, as our main only slinger of scorn at one Jeffrey Franklin Kent, the task fell to me to watch and recap every episode of this summer series.
Will I have made a grave mistake? Will I get to see Terrell Owens cry? Jump and find out.
The Teams
Since this is the first episode, no one has been eliminated yet, leaving us with eight teams of two, one athlete and one celebrity. Their names, and some pictures:
Terrell Owens and Joanna Krupa
That looks like a movie poster.
Jeff Kent and Ali Landry
Jeff Kent is the smart one. Really.
Robert Horry and Estella Warren
Not pictured: The stool Warren’s standing on.
Bode Miller and Paige Hemmis
That is the least stoned Bode’s ever been.
Jennifer Capriati and David Charvet
David Charvet has to be a fake name.
Lisa Leslie and Dan Cortese
Look, the woman’s the tall one!
Brandi Chastain and Julio Iglesias, Jr.
High point of Julio’s career, right here.
Kristi Leskinen and Maksim Chmerkovskiy
I won’t pretend to know who they are.
The Announcing Crew
John Saunders is the “host” of the show as well as providing the play-by-play action, a role in which he does a Maddenesque job of telling everyone the blatantly obvious.
Doing the interview work for John and ABC are a surprisingly nimble Warren Sapp and some woman named Jenn Brown, who is in great shape. This might be why they asked her to be in a swimsuit instead of Warren.
Hint: Jenn Brown is the blonde.
The Actual Competition
The first of two events for the day is a long-ass race across a bridge. The event succeeds in being both physically challenging and showing off the gorgeous Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas where the show is set.
Each team gets one bike between the two members and the goal is to be the first team to get both participants across the finish line first, handing off the bike however they want, with the partner not on the bike running instead.
A few random notes from this event:
- Jeff Kent sounds EXACTLY the way I write him.
- Oh, look, Brandi Chastain in a sports bra. Never seen that before.
- Ali Landry may struggle to put on a bike helmet, but she still looks good.
- That bridge slowly rises a total of ten stories. My legs cry just thinking about it.
- Robert Horry is waaaaay too big to ride a bike.
- T.O. ran almost the entire course while Joanna was on the bike.
And the winner of the first event: Brandi and Julio!
Coming in last is Jennifer and David, after a mix-up in communication that results in Jennifer being unable to find where David put it and running the rest of the way.
The second event is actually pretty dang awesome. They took the lazy river attraction around the resort, amped up the waves, and gave the teams kayaks. There were two heats of four teams each, and the teams used a relay format to finish, where each would paddle for half the course.
Random notes:
- Ali Landry is far too chipper to exist.
- Jeff Kent is the oldest competitor?
- Paige Hemmis: good at kayaking.
- Robert Horry sitting is the same height as Estella Warren standing.
- Lisa Leslie capsizes, as do T.O., and Chastain.
- Paddlefight/catfight between Kristi and Joanna!
After the first two heats the following teams advanced to the winners race: Bode and Paige, Jeff and Ali (Woo!), TO and Joanna, and Kristi and Maks. Out of those four the ultimate winners are Kristi and Maks, as Jeff falls three times in rapid succession. (Our blog thanks you for your failure.)
Following that there is one final kayak race to determine which team, either Owens/Krupa or Kent/Landry, would have to face elimination in the obstacle course. This race, however, requires both teammates to be in the kayak at once. The ultimate winners here are Jeff and Ali, meaning the Rookies’ rooting interest is safe for another week.We also find out that Owens is even a diva on this show, as he would rather wade away shirtless into the lazy river than face mild questioning from Jenn Brown.
Finally we get to the obstacle course, which defines the term “weaksauce”. The course is more grade school jungle gym than grueling test of physical ability.
First heat through the course: T.O. and Joanna vs. Jennifer and David. David keeps up surprisingly well with Terrell the whole way, and is neck and neck with Owens until they get to the cargo net, where T.O. gets his foot caught, allowing David to finish before him and giving Jennifer a great head start. She proceeds to faceplant and nearly give away a gift victory, but manages to survive and push Krupa and Owens to sudden death. At this point Krupa and Owens solidify their title as the moodiest team ever when Joanna snaps on T.O. for sucking so much. The “That’s not my supermodel!” rant, sadly, does not transpire.
The second heat is Horry and Warren vs. Leslie and Cortese, which, really is fun to say. Robert and Lisa start out and stay very close until they reach the cargo net, rapidly establishing itself as the show’s breakout star. Lisa gets caught up badly in the net, then goes the wrong way once she gets free. allowing both Horry and Warren to finish before she does,
The final match-up is Lisa and Dan vs. Terrell and Joanna. (Loser goes home, winner gets to live. Or something.) Owens gets through the net fine this time and barely beats Dan, and the race comes down to Lisa and Joanna. The two are neck and neck when they get to the net, and for a second it looks like Lisa is stuck again, but she gets out in time to win, sending Krupa and Owens home.
That prompted this outburst directed at Owens from Krupa: “I’ll be a prima donna like you been.” It is much more interesting if you are watching it, and if you see the unedited preface that was not broadcast:
Popout
Your brief recap of the first week of “The Superstars” on ABC: There were bikes, boats, the Bahamas, Warren Sapp, and a devilish cargo net, plus my source of material lived to showcase his moustache another week. Come back next week, when Jeff Kent will jump through a ring of fire to save a dolphin*.
*May not actually occur.
