The Rookies

We find our hero at home, stoically picking an epic eye booger.

Jeff: Boy, this thing just does NOT want to come out!

(spends several hours trying to remove eye booger)

(realizes he’s been working on the wrong eye)

(finally clears out the correct one)

Jeff: Silly me, that went much easier! Now that my eyes are functioning at optimal levels again I should do something that uses them. But what?

(thinks)

Jeff: Oh, I know! I’ll see what Netflix sent me recently! Hmm…FernGully 2, The Land Before Time XI: Invasion of the Tinysauruses, Magnolia, and…Twilight? Oh, I bet it’s a movie about that old TV show, the black and white one where all the weird stuff happened to people, The Andy Griffith Show! That sounds like it’ll be a great time!

(pops in DVD)

(watches intently)

Jeff: Well. That was certainly different than I remember. Where was Opie? And why did Barney keep biting people? And what about Aunt Bee? Was that supposed to be Bella?

(peruses Google for answers)

Jeff: Huh, apparently they based that movie on a book about Mayberry, except the book changed all the characters and the plot. How curious. And it says here there are more books AND they’re being made into movies! I better check this out.

(gets in Dodge Stratus)

(drives to Wal-Mart)

(goes to book section)

(grabs everything Stephanie Meyer has ever written)

Jeff: Looks like there is a lot of reading in my future!

(is approached by 12 year old Twi-hard)

Twi-hard: Ooooo, you love Twilight too, mister?

Jeff: Well. Maybe. I just saw the movie today and figured I should read the books.

Twi-hard: So who’s your favorite character? Mine’s Edward.

Jeff: Was that the one that’s supposed to be Gomer?

Twi-hard: Who’s Gomer? Edward is the hunky vampire played by Robert Pattinson.

Jeff: Oh! He had the weird hair. And for some reason he sparkled all the time? Why did he sparkle?

Twi-hard: Because he went out in the daylight! He’s a vampire!

Jeff: But aren’t vampires supposed to die in the sun?

Twi-hard: No! Stephanie Meyer decided to change that!

Jeff: So they just…sparkle? Does that happen in all the books?

Twi-hard: Yeah.

Jeff: Well that just seems silly. Maybe I shouldn’t waste my time…

Twi-hard: Twilight is not a waste of time! How dare you!

(Twi-hard lunges for Jeff’s neck)

(clamps on with her teeth)

(hangs on for several minutes)

(Jeff finally gets her off his neck)

(runs)

Jeff: Well, that was terrifying.

Twi-hard: Twi-hards unite and take down the blasphemer!

(legion of pre-teen girls crawl out of the aisles)

Jeff: Uh-oh…

(Jeff sprints for the frozen food section seeking safety)

Mysterious Voice: You need help?

Jeff: Excuse me?

Mysterious Voice: You’re being attacked by those Twilight crazies right? Well, I can help you.

Jeff: But who are you?

Mysterious Voice: I am…Iguanaman! Arch-enemy of all fans of Stephanie Meyer!

Jeff: Um. Thanks?

Iguanaman: No problem!

(leaps into action as Twi-hard army comes around the corner)

Twi-hards: EEEEK! SLIMY LIZARD!

(Twi-hards run away, go carve their own initials along with Edward Cullen’s inside a heart into the tables at the in-store Subway)

Jeff: Thanks a lot! How can I ever repay you?

Iguanaman: Crickets. Lots of ‘em.

Jeff: For your iguana?

Iguanaman: …sure.

Jeff: Sounds fair to me!

(buy large quantity of crickets)

(grabs a Harry Potter book)

Jeff: Oh look, a book about Gilligan’s Island! This should be a fun read…

Come back some time in the future when there may at some point be another installation in this series. Or not. Whatever. Twilight sucks.