The Rookies

No, dude, I swear. ESPN does this all the time.

Speaking Sputnik is, well, speechless. Here are the juicier excerpts from the Week 6 NFL QBs’ diaries.

Dear Diary,

Call me greased lightning because I sure as HELL struck twice! ESPN calls me a hero; Ray Lewis should just call me “Sir” because we got out of there with a W thanks to my GUN! YEAH! I mean, I might as well have told Longwell to sit himself down so I could kick the game-winning field goal! I could have done it! Flacco looked really depressed after the game so I told him– hey no big, kid. He doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to give him and Stafford lessons on how to be Gunslingers one day. It’s going to be so sweet having my NFL brethren respect me! JaMarcus texted me today, but I don’t know, man, he shredded that Philadelphia D like he was a Pit Bull; he doesn’t need me to improve his Rocket Arm. Life coach teaching me proper use of semicolon for weekly ESPN column on myself. Favre out.

Brett Favre

———————————–

Dear Diary,

Presidential Suite’s reserved, Peyton. Top that.

Drew Brees

———————————–

Dear Diary,

Guess who’s back, back again, Brady’s back, tell a friend. You really thought I was going to let Chris(t) Johnson have more absurd fantasy performances than I did? Not likely. You know how I roll.

Tom Brady

———————————–

Dear Diary,

Fuck, man. What more can I do? This team fucking sucks. The receiving corps isn’t half bad when I’m making them look as good as I am, but, Christ, this fucking “fantasy stud” Forte is looking like a joke. Two fumbles on the one? I thought they released Grossman. Fun fact: I’m the only thing this team’s got going for it. Texted with Orton today; it must be nice to have an O-Line. FUCKING SHITCOCKS WHAT MORE CAN I DO!? FALSE START ON FOURTH AND ONE WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT!? FUCK! HOW CAN I GUNSLING UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES!?

Jay Cutler

———————————–

Dear Diary,

I done gone and tricked ‘em.

JaMarcus Russell

———————————–

Dear Diary,

I think I get it now– THIS week was our bye and last week we played the Raiders. That scout offense was pretty damn good, but I got a lot of reps with the first team. That was pretty sweet.

David Carr

———————————–

Dear Diary,

I never thought I’d say this: Eddie Royal’s better than Jack Daniels.

Kyle Orton

———————————–

Dear Diary,

They HAD to send me to the Chiefs.

Matt Cassel

———————————–

Dear Diary,

Oh boy is it nice to have a team that can win despite my poor play! Oh boy it is!

Jake Delhomme

———————————–

Dear Diary,

I int-int-int-int-intended to play better; really, I did. At least I’m not Kerry Collins.

Mark Sanchez

———————————–

Dear Diary,

Who says that a punter can’t dream? Suck on my 118.8 QB rating, Hasselbeck.

Jon Ryan