The Rookies

Speaking Sputnik has been fighting against Roger Goodell’s Storm Troopers in support of the Fair Catch Kick, but he still broke into your favorite quarterbacks’ houses to get these gems. He also shared a crate of beets with John Madden. Viva la revolución!

Dear Diary,

Your move, Brees.

Peyton Manning

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Dear Diary,

Why does this always happen to me? First Ray Lewis made me his bitch, then we have close losses to the Steelers and Texans (they’re legit, I swear), but now, playing the hottest team in the league, Coach Fisher doesn’t have me hand the ball off to stud running backs but wants me to make plays! For God’s sake.

Kerry Collins

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Dear Diary,

Two complete passes. 15.1 passer rating. 1 W. You know how I do.

Derek Anderson

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Dear Diary,

HOOO BOY HOW BOUT THIS OL GUNSLINGER SONOFABITCH! I fucking STUCK it to those douchenozzle Rams after tooling Ted “you’re too old” Thompson, Mike “useless” McCarthy and Aaron “still my bitch” Rodgers. I ran that offense with aplomb (my life coach says I need to work on my prose for my MVP acceptance speech) and I was texting with Stafford, because he wants to learn how to be an Old Gunslinger someday too. I was really having Fun out there on the Astroturf, but Rush Limbaugh didn’t seem to like what I was doing to the Rams. Nothing personal, just business. Like the business beat-down I gave to Thompson and McCarthy. Favre out.

Brett Favre

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Dear Diary,

Yeah, that was me out there alright. I didn’t realize we bothered to suit up the scout team to look like the Raiders for our bye week. Nice crowd for a practice, too.

David Carr

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Dear Diary,

Why Jamarcus lose football game? JaMarcus good quarterback learn write good in LSU. Throw ball far. Throw ball to team in blue because blue pretty color. Zombie man Davis say I suck. ESPN man say I suck. Man on blog make fun of me. Jamarcus want throw football, go parties, learn new words so Zombie Man Davis no call me dumb-dumb QB. Vince Young teach me how text so I trash talk Tom Brady. He use word “incomprehensible” for describe Jamarcus. JaMarcus no understand how other QB so smart. JaMarcus just throw ball to pretty colors, they do too, right?

JaMarcus Russell

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Dear Diary,

So, I’m throwing passes to Ted Ginn; that’s weird. Coach Carr gave me a call a couple weeks ago to congratulate me on becoming a starter, but, let’s be serious, I’m still playing for a team whose main attraction is an offensive fad. The bright side is I’ve got a lot of career ahead of me. Wanna know a fun fact? I’m 1-0 against Tim Tebow. Behold the One True King of Florida.

Chad Henne

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Dear Diary,

Why the FUCK did they suspend Sims-Walker?

David Gerrard

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Dear Diary,

To die, to sleep; to sleep, perchance to dream– and to sleep that is to say we end the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I mean, really, we lost to Kyle Orton?

Tom Brady