The Rookies

Week One was an interesting week for NFL quarterbacks; Speaking Sputnik imagines what may be going through some of the more notable QB’s heads.

Dear Diary,

I am a stud. What, we were playing the Lions? Whatever. Hello, Pro Bowl.

Drew Brees

Dear Diary,

We scored twenty. Twenty! We even scored two touchdowns on offense! And we lost, gosh darn it. I wish I had Mangino for a coach so he could teach me how to eat away the pain. Even the Catholic girls think I’m a loser now. My Irish eyes are crying.

Brady Quinn

Dear Diary,

Call me MJ ’cause I’M BACK! Honestly, Coach Childress has almost as sweet a Football Mind as I do. This whole hand-the-ball-off-to-Adrian-Peterson thing is working out really well. I didn’t even have to use my Rocket Arm of Laser Accuracy to deliver Precision Passes straight into Harvin’s Rocket Legs. Jesus, I feel like such a baller. Cleveland was so incompetent I didn’t even have to check off Purple Jesus (He says only His friends are allowed to call Him that!) so I could Rocket a ball downfield. Our Defense played with Tenacity and Alacrity and Pizazz so I could go out there and have Fun^©. I didn’t even have to almost end a dude’s career! Oh, by the way, I’m a captain. Suck one, Tavaris.

Brett Favre

Dear Diary,

I WON A GAME I WON A GAME I WON A GAME! My receivers made a play! That’s never happened before! Those Bengals never knew what hit them! Stokely is such a DUDE! I bought him ten gallons of Jack Daniels ’cause it helped me realize that playing for a dead-end team isn’t that depressing! Yeah! No INTs, no fumbles lost, no problems! I managed the game! We won! Ochocinco came up to me after the game and told me that I had insulted his heritage or something, but who cares? I threw a tipped pass that lead to a lucky play that WON THE GAME!

Kyle Orton

Dear Diary,

WHAT THE FUCK!? I get away from Josh McDouche (SEE WHAT I DID THERE!?) and to a team that can actually play some fucking defense and my piece-of-shit tight ends suck cock and my receivers are lucky if they can even get near one of my sick-nasty throws! One of the TE’s is a total bro who is probably smoking purple haze right now and the other is fucking injured; I’m not sure if I actually have a receiving corps. Fuck! And this joke of a “fantasy sleeper” goatfucking running back couldn’t even establish a running game so my Gunslinging could have its full effect! It’s practically his fault I got picked 4 times and almost another 2. How the shit does my O-Line not block a massive dude so I accidentally don’t throw a pick to him on their 5 fucking yard line!? They’re shakier than Muhammed fucking Ali! That Neckbeard cat had it right- Jack Daniels is the best QB Coach in the league. FUCK! ASS!

Jay Cutler

Stardate: 2009 9-14

Captain’s Log:

This is Brady, Tom. All systems are go, repeat all systems are go. Operation Robo-Girlfriend and Robo-Child unprecedented success. Overlord Belicheck has taught me well.

NEP-012

Dear Diary,

Donovan hurt himself on an irrelevant play today, so it means that it’s time for me to bird-dog the QB spot in the big PHI, if you know what I mean! Forget the Wildcat, we’re going to run-and-gun like a pack of tenacious wolves and no one will stand in our way. Bubba from Leavenworth sent me a cig ’cause I won our bet that Donovan couldn’t make it through a game without getting injured. Guess you could say I tore him apart on that one.

Michael Vick

Dear Diary,

I pulled a Grossman. Oops.

Jake Delhomme