The Rookies

That is not a shitty Youtube video montage. That is the future. That is the present. That is the single biggest thing around, the thing that will force the world of pro wrestling to bend to its will, the singular presence of sheer power and technical brilliance. That is electrified marrow. That is a shimmering, pasty ballet of brutality splayed across a canvass.

That is American Dragon, Bryan Danielson.

Watch this.

And this.

Bryan Danielson is arguably the greatest wrestler in the world today. He has perfected a style consisting of a wide array of suplex variations and submissions. He has a package of knee and elbow strikes that are about as strong-style as you get in American wrestling today. He is often compared to my favorite wrestler of all-time (while obviously not my favorite human being) Chris Benoit. He rules. He just fucking rules.

And he’s coming to the WWE.

Why are you still stationary? You should be ordering every Ring of Honor video you can get your grimy mitts on. You should be doing jumping jacks simply because you need an outlet for all of the awesome that is rushing through your veins right now. Are you fucking hearing any of this? This is the biggest roster move the WWE has made since Taz. He does loner without pandering like Jeff Hardy, and everybody still loves him. He calls his submission finisher “The Cattle Mutilation”. He enters to “The Final Countdown!” He is a straight-up, bona-fied grappling God that will be beamed into your television on a weekly basis on a reasonably easy to watch channel. Trust me, this is good.

SummerSlam Recap!

Sadly, my cable cut out about an hour into SummerSlam on Sunday. Even more sadly, this apparently happened to numerous people across America.  Thankfully, the good folks over at Comcast hooked me up with one of the rebroadcasts, so I have seen it in full. My thoughts:

- Jeff Hardy’s big spots will always make up for any lacking in his technical game. Jumping off what looked to be a 20-foot ladder onto CM Punk through the ECW announce table sounds insane when described, and looks even more so as he does it. That combined with the flapjack splash bump he took from the turnbuckle through a table onto the floor and the way-harsher Superplex onto a ladder Punk gave him earlier in the match, and Hardy’s earned any sabbatical he wants. The company, at this point, would literally be insane to let him go. Like they might need to be checked for rabies if Vince McMahon doesn’t fall over his phantom dick trying to sign him.

- I know it was a pipe-dream, but Legacy should have gone over DX. They just should have. They are young and feisty and talented and they certainly looked decent against the Blond Beefcake and Baldy, but…they lost. And NO ONE TAKES YOU SERIOUSLY IF YOU LOSE CONSTANTLY FOREVER. Was having them appear weak once again when your company has a well-documented lack of youth problem worth another moment in the sun for a gimmick that is quickly becoming nWo-like in how much of a relic it is? Should we have Lodi and Lenny marry each other again? How about the Nation of Domination? Fuck.

- On the Orton-Cena match: I honestly have no idea what to think. It is about a hare’s breath between being awesome and being one of the worst things the WWE has put out recently, and my opinion switches damn near on the hour. On the one hand, having that many false finishes displayed in such a predictable and poorly-conveyed fashion (I’m looking at you, Lillian Garcia) just reeks of the worst overbooked crap Vince Russo has ever put out there. On the other hand, having a Ted Dibiase’s brother come in and put the ref in a cross-face chicken wing and having it look so real was a stroke of genius. His attack, his removal from the arena, the reaction from the wrestlers and the fans – it was pitch perfect. The ending saves it for me, but not every time I look back on it.

On to the Recap! But first – Danielson’s earlier theme song!

The Worst

Everything. Okay, I didn’t actually watch Raw last night. And I’m not going to today. Why? you plaintively ask. Well, mostly because I was busy. But also because, and I cannot stress this enough, Raw more than likely sucked last night. I read James Guttman’s always brilliant Raw Insanity last night, and it sounded like a heaping pile of suck. It sounded like DX nonsense mixed with a little Floyd Mayweather being investigated for a shooting at an ice rink. It sounded like Hornswoggle and Chavo Guerrero boxing each other (although apparently Evan Bourne came out at the end and gave Chavo a Shooting Star Press – the greatest wrestling maneuver of all time, so that’s cool). I might watch it sometime later this week, but right now, it sounds like it’s not worth my time.

The Best

Weekly Commenter Games! You know what’s way more fun that pro wrestling? Making up imaginary pro wrestling-related scenarios in your head, then posting them on the internet! In case anyone possibly reads this blog, then reads this post, then by some miracle reads this far into a post where I basically told you to stop reading a paragraph ago, here’s this week’s game: Pick a historical figure, give him a entrance theme, catchphrase, and finisher. I’ll start with an easy one.

Historical Figure: Abraham Lincoln

Entrance theme: Battle Hymn of the Republic

Catchphrase: ”"Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty IN BREAKING A FOOT OFF IN YOUR CANDY ASS!”

Finisher: The Rail-Splitter

Best one gets an e-High Five!

Email from Someone! I’ve been sitting on this for awhile, but seeing as I’m a bit slow today, I’ll use it. Earlier this month, TheR00kies received an email from one Laurel Carden, a “Community Ambassador” from American Pop Digital, a “social media marketing agency” that seems way too proactive for me to understand (their website does have a Spinal Tap quote, so they gotta be kinda okay). Here was the gist of Laurel’s communication:

I just came across your Wrestling Recap posting on The Rookies Blog and couldn’t help but notice your frustrations with RAW!  It’s pretty clear you are a fan that is getting frustrated with predictable matches, and I wanted to know if you have had a chance to catch WWE Superstars? WWE Superstars is an awesome new show that combines three WWE brands, including RAW, to create ONE action-packed show with favorites from each brand matching up against each other – You gotta check it out if you haven’t already!

I’m working with WGN America to get the word out about WWE Superstars, which airs every Thursday at  8p east | 8p west.   WWE Superstars brings Divas and Superstars from ECW, SmackDown, and RAW together in one ring for all-star matches featuring everyone’s favorites.  Fans love the show because it’s the only place that gives them the matches they want to see but can’t catch anywhere else on cable…

I think the readers of The Rookies Blog would be interested in WWE Superstars because it’s  new and fresh, and provides a mixture of Superstars for less predictable outcomes. I noticed that you haven’t yet written about it, and I’m curious to know if you have seen it or like it?

I will say this: I am not a regular Superstars viewer. This is not because I don’t like it – mostly, as you can see by me not even watching the flagship show this week, I don’t keep up very well with all of the possible hours of programming available from the ‘E’. However, looking at their lineup over the past few weeks, I’m intrigued. Charlie Haas vs. R-Truth? That’s a decent wrestling match waiting to happen.Shelton Benjamin gets some airtime as well, as well as some one-on-one divas action (heh). Having Velocity Redux show some intriguing matchups doesn’t make up for how ridiculous Raw has been lately, but it’s better than nothing. In fact, I might even watch it this week. Thanks, Laurel. (You can also watch Superstars for free on Hulu, but that won’t help out our friend Laurel. Turn on the TV, slobs!)

If you’d like to be featured in our “Email from Someone” feature, send me an email! Or don’t! Just keep drinking and masturbating to Miranda Kerr!

That’s all for me this week. I leave you with a picture of Rey Mysterio and Real Madrid. Because lol.

(Photo courtesy of WWE.com)