The Rookies

You see that shit? You see what I have to work with? Jeremy Piven’s wretched abortion of a hosting job was so low on my radar that I simply could not recap last week. There had to be another Raw to cover this week, otherwise my first idea of a 2,000-word dissection of the age-related policies that the WWE has adopted over the last five years would have been green-lighted and eviscerated the libidos of all of us (that’s what real nerdiness is – so bad it keeps others from getting laid as well). So, hopefully that will explain my absence. If not, uh, let’s just say that I am definitely in The Marine 2.

I did not create this picture. I very much wish I had.

So we’ll put this sumbitch up on Tuesdays until Summerslam (or Fest, if you are Jeremy Piven/retarded), when we’ll have a Monday post possibility. AND IF YOU’RE NOT DOWN WITH THAT, I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA.

THOSE TWO WORDS HAPPEN TO BE “MODEST MOUSE.”

THE WORST

I’m just going to type “Jeremy Piven and Dr. Kim” 20 times – Okay, not really. But I’d like to. While their antics bordered on funny at times (Dr. Kim’s histrionic performance especially scored with me, especially when John Cena caused his head to bounce of the floor), and while it was cool to have a heel host, let us not forget that the main event was (again) John Cena vs. The Miz, that Triple H fought Legacy in a handicap match, Hornswoggle again got one over on Chavo, and the only thing of any real interest that happened was that Jack Swagger inexplicably squashed Evan Bourne. Translation: they aren’t gilding a lily with the celebrity guest host bit – they are gilding horseshit. It’s getting to the point where it’s not even fun to rant about anymore. Do you realize what would have happened if I started this column back up about a month ago? The column would not mention WWE Raw anymore because the sequence of “WWE Raw sucks and I hate it” would have been worn out of functionality on my keyboard. I hate Raw more than Eric Bishoff in 1997. It’s worse than apartheid. Or, at least it was. (Stay tuned!)

Speaking of stuff I already talk about hating… Why, Triple H? Why would you no-sell a handicap loss? Why would you get beat by Legacy about as legitimately as you can in a handicap match, grab a mic, and then fake whimper in the way that 12-year-old boys do when they want to make fun of girls that push them? Who thinks this is a good idea? (Is it aliens? I bet it’s aliens. “Aliens have taken over the WWE” would actually be a pretty awesome name for this era if it were true.) Mercifully, Trips was kept out of the ring last night, but not off the screen – he “flew” to “Texas” to a “corporate dining room” where Shawn Michaels was a “chef”. Because he had a hat like a chef and whatever.

Side note: SHAWN MICHAELS SUPERKICKED A CHILD.

THE BEST

I am still not over Shawn Michaels Superkicking a child. I know they didn’t show it, and I know it didn’t happen. (I am not that much of a mark.) But still…remember back when every week used to be ridiculous storyline twists and Vince McMahon getting hit in the head with a bedpan and Mae Young giving birth to a hand? Remember back when this shit was fun? I hated this moment when it happened, planned on writing a big anti-violence against children screed, got my e-quill all inked up with the ink from a bunch of Miranda Kerr .jpgs I bummed off Rock…and then I realized that it was the most insane bit of TV the WWE has done in the last six months. Not insane like the “holy fuck it’s insane that they would be so stupid” instances that they have patented recently – insane as in “what the fuck was that?!” I don’ think I can overemphasize this – DX coming back is probably the strongest storyline going into Summerslam, Shawn Michaels is going to be presented as a top face, and he kicked a tiny child in the jaw. Isn’t that better than The Miz?

TLC! TLC! CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy in a TLC match instantly makes Summerslam a must. If there is anything that is better than a slow-building wrestling feud, it’s one that culminates in an epic gimmick match involving one of the acknowledged masters of said gimmick. (For example: every Undertaker Hell in a Cell match—almost.) In a feud that has invested so much in the fan psyche of the WWE, one based entirely around the subtle paring of the good vs. evil dichotomy by Punk and the rabid unconditional love for Jeff Hardy, something involving weapons and blood and people throwing people through tables is the ultimate field of dishonor. You will see Jeff Hardy, in the eyes of the fans, be everything John Cena wishes he could be. You will see CM Punk’s crowning achievement as a WWE wrestler, win or lose. Most of all, you will see two young, vibrant masters of modern wrestling (all its glories and cankers included) go for each others’ throat. Stay tuned.

No wonder they brought us Degrassi. The best part about Raw last night was not the fact that Triple H wasn’t there, or that there was no cheesy celebrity to host (Sgt. Slaughter did a good job as a straight-up heel), or even that the main event was something new and interesting. It was the mere fact that it took place in Calgary. Canadian WWE fans evolved after The Montreal Screwjob to become the single most awesome force in wrestling outside of the original ECW diehards screaming in the concrete sweat lodge in Philly. The best example will, of course, be the epic dream match between The Rock and Hollywood Hogan at Wrestlemania X-8, with the crowd throwing a big wrench into any sort of kayfabe workings they would be a part of. This was after the height of The Rock’s popularity, him going from cult of personality to the accepted answer as the best WWE Superstar of the era. Hogan, of course, was in the middle of another poorly-constructed heel turn. The crowd turns on The Rock hard, cheering everything that Hogan does with the ferocity of a jet engine while Hogan turns up the ham. Once Hogan hulks up, the place is essentialy a loving recreation of Wrestlemania III.

While we didn’t reach that level last night, there was a wrench. The main event was Cena vs. Chris Jericho, who always gets a big pop in his homeland of Canada. WWE Creative, sensing a chance to get Jericho more over as a heel (unlikely, seeing as he has been dominating that role for months) or to try and solidify John Cena as a face with those smart enough to know better, basically did everything to erase Jericho’s Canuck cred short of having him flip off a bottle of maple syrup. Even after his promo of “accidentally” telling the Calgary audience that he was born in America, the crowd was still split for the main event, giving Cena a bit of a chance to display his transcendent heel mode, in which he acts just like face John Cena, but with a frowny face.

This.

The Rest

- Still trying to find a reliable way to watch Ring of Honor. TNA coverage will probably start up in the next week or two.

- Jeff Hardy’s possible departure from the country has taken yet another turn, helped no doubt by his giant push from Creative (not to mention the subtle anti-WWE Wellness Policy bent of his and Punk’s angle). No matter my opinion of Hardy (read: I think he kinda blows), people legitimately love him, and that’s an asset that’s rare in the WWE right now. I mean, could you imagine Creative trying to compensate for that big face departure by moving Cena to Smackdown? (Well, you couldn’t, because you don’t watch wrestling, but man, if you could!)

- We’re this close from seeing The Miz hit Jimmy Snuka on the head with a coconut, his heel act is so old.

- Tune in tonight as Triple H appears on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I hope someone gets Pedigree’d. Not The Roots. They’re still cool.

Reason to Respect Wrestling The Hogan-Rock video above. Granted, it’s not the best match ever, but that crowd proves that a hot audience compensates for any lack in the grappling quality.

This American Life Episode of the Week

Arms Trader 2009. TAL has made a cottage industry of pointing out where the US Government has screwed up in recent years. This story of a bumbling “arms dealer” who is essentially fed all parts of his crime by America, to then be arrested for them, is gripping throughout. (It is also available for free download from their iTunes podcast this week).

Next Week: A messed-up tag match on Raw, Independent wrestling (hopefully), and Freddie Prinze Jr.! (The Z is for zealous!) Get some sun, you pale bastards.