The Rookies

(Note: This column does not, in any way, support or approve of that pop for John Cena. Or John Cena in general. The Return of the Wrestling Recap! – after the jump.

Well well well…it’s been a long time, hasn’t it? To think, the last time this column saw the light of day was still in that nascent period of this blog, before we became the disgusting multi-national conglomerate sponsored by Starbucks, Nike, and Sybian that you see today. As I walked the streets of my fair city this weekend, the constant barrage of The Rookies advertising everywhere really got to me. I mean, what have us limp-wristed Deadspin fops wrought with our ridiculously insightful webwriting and spot-on Jeff Kent lampooning? To see the enemy is to see ourselves. As I sucked down my “Rockabye Raspberry” Starbucks Fruit Smoothie, the sadness was palpable. (Also, an aside: Seriously, Starbucks? “TDD Boysenberry”? That barely rhymes!)

It seems like it is time to do something about this, to stop us from becoming the tentacle monster in this giant hentai film that is sports blogging. We might not save the underage redhead, but we certainly won’t be the ones infiltrating her. It’s time to get back to our roots, to what made George Will describe us as “the unstoppable force that is also immovable”, caused Will Leitch to set himself aflame in a appreciated (although rather brazen) tribute to our now eternal greatness, and created a unquenchable black hole in the foul-smelling voidspace around Jay Mariotti. It’s time for all of us to do our part. It’s time…for the WRESTLING RECAP!!!

…fuck. That was supposed to be a much cooler song, I swear. Something by bands that straight guys like. Do straight guys still like Metallica? I’ll Snopes it.

ANYWAY LET’S GET TO IT!

THE WORST (Since the Last Column)

Raw is Suck. Yeah, that’s not clever. But Jesus Christ, you expect me to try? Monday Night RAW has done nothing in the past five months but show me that not trying equals success. Actually, the full formula is: Not trying+terrible comedy bits+teasing an MVP main event run that never happened-talent*Triple H’s pecs = DOLLARZ LOL.

Seriously folks, it has been fucking abysmal over on the flagship lately. You can bank on almost every main event featuring a tag match with Triple H, John Cena and Legacy involved, while Randy Orton seems to be overusing his contract’s “none of my matches can have a legit finish” clause. They hyped bringing Mr. Kennedy back, only to cut him the next day. Slow builds have been abandoned or completely ignored, causing the top tier of talent on the show to become as brackish as the water in Sadr City. But hey! Guest hosts that are celebrities in REAL LIFE!

Thank God I got all that off my chest, because now I got room for this: the Raw side of Wrestlemania sucked, Randy Orton is still getting booked terribly (he fucking lost to MARK HENRY), Hornswoggle has more ring time than Evan Borne, and they put the belt on Batista who (surprise!) got injured like 12 seconds later because steroids.

The worst, worst, worst, beyond worst thing that Raw has perpetrated this summer was the awful bit of backbiting Vince McMahon performed on Denver Nuggets owner E. Stanley Kroenke. You see, Raw booked the Pepsi Center in Denver well in advance of the Nuggets ever making the playoffs. When they did make the playoffs and were going against the Lakers, they booted Raw so that they could use the arena for one of their playoff games. McMahon responded in LA by having a bunch of terrible actors dress like Jerry Buss, Phil Jackson, and Jack Nicholson; making fun of Stanley Kroenke’s first name (Enis…let that simmer for a few minutes); and finishing with an awful six-man tag where the teams wore Lakers and Nuggets jerseys.

Okay. We’re good. I’m all clean. I just—I just gotta sit down for a second.

THE WORST (From Last Monday)

Take it back to the old school. The constant griping from non-fans who seem to do nothing but replay a bunch of Stone Cold Stunner compilation videos on youtube and fantasize about Fedor vs. Lesnar is that wrestling sucks now. No, it just does. It’s not because all our old favorite characters have aged in a way that is reasonable for humans to do. It just sucks now. If only they could somehow figure out how to replicate that once-in-a-life time, lightning in a bottle moment of pop culture that would allow them to do something that was fresh and new repeatedly without it becoming stale and stagnant, everything would be so much better. IS THAT SO HARD?

Apparently, the WWE is listening. And, like whenever the WWE listens, they prove they are hard of hearing. Instead of going to the F*ck Authority, S*ck It glory days of yore, they instead have taken Raw all the way back to the late 80’s. Chavo Gurerro (who, I might add, is actually a talented wrestler and has been for years) is currently on a losing streak against Hornswoggle, a dwarf who is dressed like a leprauchaun. These matches follow the exact same pattern: Hornswoggle comes out, Chavo follows, Chavo gets excited about how hardxcore he’s going to beat up the tiny one, Lilian Garcia screws up announcing some ridiculous stipulation (blindfolding and the like), Chavo gets mad, Hornswoggle gains the upper hand, Chavo cheats, Chavo loses. Meanwhile, charismatic heel The Miz comes out every week, talks about how awesome Cleveland is while insulting (INSERT CURRENT CITY). I would make some comment about how idiotic people must have been back in these “Glory Days” of wrestling, but then I realize they all probably thought it was ridiculous as well.

It’s like the circle of life, but with more steroids.

THE BEST (Since Break, and From Last Week)

It’s a heel revolution. To say that CM Punk’s switch from the perma-grinning Chicago Cheshire cat of Raw to the preachy, smarmy, Straight-Edge poster boy of Smackdown (via Ring of Honor, of course) has been excellent is an understatement. Yes, he has excelled, but he has also given more nuance and character to a heel turn than the E has seen in a long time. The fake eye injury he pulled to retain his title against Jeff Hardy, the constant reasonable explanations for all of his recent negative activity had all made it seem like he was a heel, even without doing anything particularly heely. That was blown away at just the right time last Friday, when he walked down the ring to congratulate Hardy after a superlative title defense against John Morrison. Punk shook Hardy’s hand, raised it a few times, started to give an apology to Hardy…then just started beating the fuck out of him:

Meanwhile, the best part of the Flagship lately has been whenever Chris Jericho opens his mouth. Him and his prim little haircut and tailored suit have wrecked havoc with the mic wherever they have gone lately, and his recent turn of insulting the injured Edge and giving half of his tag-team titles to The Big Show has just given him more ample opportunity to do so. Also, it means we don’t have to watch Big Show’s singles matches anymore! FUCKING TERRIF.

THE REST

• The Brian Kendrick was fired this week. He was a young guy who had some promise, so it’s kind of a bummer. On the other hand, the E has no idea how to handle young guys with promise, so it’s just as well.
• Although it could be storyline shenanigans (because it’s TNA), Jeff Jarret has left TNA for the time being, sent home due to a possible affair with Kurt Angle’s wife. A road agent and a major writer were also fired, leaving (shudder) Vince Russo with the power of the TNA creative team. This is bad. Google ‘Vince Russo’. You’ll find out how bad it is.
• The Raw guest hosts: …meh. Ffff? Lorax? It’s like pouring hot caramel onto your broken arm. It probably tastes better, but that’s not really what we’re going for.

This American Life Episode of the Week

It has come to my attention that some people (mostly knaves, I assume) believe pro wrestling to be (gasp!) pedestrian. Slovenly. Plebeian. Low. It is, then, my duty to prove that those of us who watch are not all tattooed meatheads that would steal the wheels off a Prius. With this task in mind, I have decided to link to an episode of my favorite radio show in the world—the ultra-yuppie, college-educated-friendly This American Life—in the midst of this weekly column. (Tricked you!)

This week, it’s “Quiz Show”. The first story from this episode might be my favorite radio segment ever. It is beyond wonderful: excellently edited, gripping story, and an ending that just makes you wanna root. (And for the yuppies that might have Googled TAL and ended up here: that’s root as in “cheer”, not “garden”. Although, if it makes you want to garden, be my guest.)

Reason to Respect Pro Wrestling: The infamous Cactus Jack “Cane Dewey” promo. Perhaps the best promo ever delivered.

Next Week: TNA and ROH (hopefully), Punk-Hardy for the title on Friday Night Smackdown, a sure-to-be terrible Triple H-Legacy handicap match, and Jeremy Piven! I know, right? I love that show, because I am a young male! Titties!

Later folks. Pray for John Cena, he needs the help.