Where In The World Is Kyle Farnsworth?
Where in the WORLD is that song? STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.
Just after midnight, our Kyle Farnsworth Google Alert told us Kyle Farnsworth was not with the Kansas City Royals’ AAA affiliate, which basically set our world entirely off-kilter.
We could only come up with a few places he might have been.
- Starting a puppy mill, only to realize that, unlike in real mills, you don’t run puppies under stone wheels.
- Selling his likeness to a company that specializes in miniature corn dogs that have the unfortunate side effect of giving people gills.
- Watching “Burn Notice.”
- Developing a new formula to explain why he, despite all evidence to the contrary, is not bad at throwing a baseball.
- Counteracting global warming by throwing his blazing fastball near the polar ice caps. (Don’t ask us how this works. We aren’t the professors.)
- Fighting the Kraken.
- Frowning, because he secretly writes the comic strip “Get Fuzzy” and his vacation days are up.
- Being traded.
- Kicking the shit out of those Dugout guys once and for all.
- Owning up to his role as the fifth Jonas Brother.
- Going to the callback for Dating in the Dark.
- Staying in to finally catch Entei.
- Writing a dissertation on how the Mighty Ducks were clearly not believable as a JV team in D3.
- Appeasing a terrorist cell holding his dad by baking them the most delicious cake ever.
- Returning a pair of assless chaps to the store.
- Writing personalized letters of apology to every fan of baseball ever.
- Talking Brett Favre out of retirement.
- Catching up on trailers from Comic-Con.
- Reading our July archives.
- Rushing to save Stephon Marbury from himself.
- Venturing back in time to King Arthur’s court, where he invents the word “Fuck.”
- Taking a purifying sabbatical at an ashram.
- Setting out on the trail of those other 100 steroid users from 2003.
- Listening to some earworm.
