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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away before the site crashed, I wrote a post about the most annoying fan traditions across teams. I planned to follow it up quickly with another post about some of the most annoying traditions embraced by specific fanbases, but Internet conspirators site issues the 1,001 other things I’ve had to do since then events got in the way.

Until now. Read on to find out what really grinds my gears!

Disclaimer: This is by no means an exhaustive list. This list is short, subjective and probably unfair to certain teams I dislike. It may also be illegal, immoral and fattening. The Rookies are not responsible for feelings of rage or other traumatic occurences brought on by the reading of this list. Unless you have insurance forms signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters, read at your own risk!

5. “Sweet Caroline”, Boston Red Sox:

They’re not the only ones to use this song, but the Red Sox are responsible for loosing this plague upon the baseball world and maintaining it as a full-blown tradition. There isn’t even a good reason for it; Neil Diamond doesn’t have any prominent Boston connections and the song doesn’t reference the city, the team or even baseball. There’s no grand historical tradition of this as a Red, either; as this Boston Globe article explains, it all started because of music supervisor Amy Tobey, who heard the song at OTHER sporting events, liked it, and started playing it at Fenway. In 2002, ownership asked her to start playing it during the eighth inning every night, and from there, it grew into today’s horrible tradition.

Typical fan who enjoys this: The bandwagoner.

The Yankees suck, brah!

This fan (right) does not know or care about the long, dark years in the history of the Sox. He joined right when the team became cool again, after their 2004 World Series victory. “Sweet Caroline” is an ancient, time-honoured tradition to him. (The guy on the left is just your average BC student.)

What it tells us about the human condition: People are easily swayed. It’s the herd mentality; even though there’s no good reason for this song to become remarkably significant to Red Sox fans, it’s accepted as such because everyone else thinks it’s important. Thanks to some spectacular groupthink, an insignificant song becomes much, much more.

4. Melonheads, Saskatchewan Roughriders:

As a fan of the CFL, I know the Roughriders and their legions of devoted fans are great for the game. As a fan of the B.C. Lions, I bear plenty of hate for them and their tractor-driving ways. Most annoying of all, though, are the subsect of Rider fans who stick watermelons on their heads, as if this somehow makes them more devoted and hardcore than the rest of us. Note to these fans: you look like morons.

Typical fan who enjoys this: The fratboy.

A rather stupid-looking Roughriders fan.

This guy doesn’t know much about football or the CFL. He’s more interested in how good he thinks he looks and how many overpriced stadium beers he can consume. In fact, he doesn’t even drink all his beer; he prefers to throw some of it at opposing players, because that’s the cool thing to do these days!

What it tells us about the human condition: People do stupid things to prove they’re better fans than anyone else. Sports has gone from a game where the entertainment was on the field to one that highlights fans who debase themselves; that’s what leads to the “Kiss Cam”, the “Lotto 649 Happy Dance” and plenty of other bizarre promotions. Perhaps worse are the odd fashion choices, as those reflect the stupidity of individual fans instead of misguided publicity efforts by owners. There are plenty of bad ones out there, including the Colts fan seen below. However, the Melonheads take this to a new level, as they’re a massive group of people making poor choices instead of one deluded individual.

Yeah, this guy needs a better wardrobe.

3. “Blue Moon”, Manchester City:

Of course, this is an incredibly biased choice thanks to my support for Manchester United. Still, there are plenty of clubs I hate with songs I like. Liverpool’s “You’ll Never Walk Alone” is an anthemic classic, and Chelsea’s “Blue is the Colour” is also solid. “Blue Moon”, on the other hand, is just intolerable. It’s a substandard pop song, originally sung by Shirley Ross in blackface in a lousy American movie (with different lyrics to boot!) and then re-engineered with sappier lyrics to take over the pop charts for MGM. Also, according to the above Wikipedia article, it was first heard at a soccer match at the 1973 FA Cup Final, when Sunderland supporters decided to sing it for some godforsaken reason. The lyrics don’t reference soccer or City, it has nothing to do with the club except for the colour, and it’s far too soft and slow to be a good soccer anthem.

Typical fan who enjoys this: The counterculture bandwagoner.

Check out my Kaka tattoo, bro!

This fan doesn’t care about City’s long history of struggle. Over an expensive latte at a ridiculously snobbish coffee shop, he picked them as his team because of their indie cred as the team for people too cool to support United. They’re losing that thanks to their recent spending spree, but he’s all in favour; he wants to buy some titles, man! He even went out and got a Kaka tattoo; perfect adornment for him during the singing of “Blue Moon”.

What it tells us about the human condition: Humans are creatures more frequently driven by passion and tradition than rationality and logic. There’s no good reason for “Blue Moon” to be a City anthem, but you can bet their supporters will be singing it for years to come.

2. Spiked and studded costumes, Oakland Raiders

The Raiders have always been a rather nutty franchise with some unique fans. I have no issues with the guy who dresses as Darth Vader; that’s actually pretty funny (and appropriate, considering the evil nature of the franchise and Al Davis‘ remarkable resemblance to Emperor Palpatine). However, the regular fans who put on death masks, studded shoulder pads and gloves and cover themselves with skulls just look stupid. Guys, the point’s to enjoy a football game, not enter a costume contest.

Typical fan who enjoys this: The wannabe biker

Aren't I cool?

Meet Bob. Bob’s always been fascinated by the biker culture, but is forbidden to join a gang by his wife. He figures the next best thing is to dress up in a ridiculous costume and try to intimidate people at a football game. He thinks he’s the toughest guy in the world, but really, he’s more worried that his helmet spikes match the shade of the studs on his shoulder pads. When not at Raider games, he’s a division manager in charge of 49 people.

He also drives a Dodge Stratus.

What it tells us about the human condition: Far too many people are still consumed by the search for stereotypical masculinity, and many of them still try and find it through sports. In many cases, this doesn’t cause much of a problem; no one really cares about the groups of guys who go and hang out at sports events chugging beers just to try and be cool. These Raiders fans take it to a new level, though; not only do they have to like sports, they have to dress up any way they can to prove how tough and masculine they are. All they’re really proving is that they’ll follow the societal herd anywhere, even if it makes them look stupid.

1. Fake umpires, Toronto Blue Jays

Yes, I am a fan of the Blue Jays. Despite that, or perhaps because of it, I save most of my hatred for the two morons who decide to dress up like umpires at their games. They sit in the front row directly behind home plate at almost every game, and mimic the real umpires’ dress, motions, calls and everything else. Of course, this results in them obstructing the view of everyone around them who paid massive amounts of money to watch a baseball game instead of their amateur theatre impressions, but they don’t care about that; they’re celebrities! This year, they’ve made things even worse by taking their show on the road, travelling to Jays’ road games around the U.S. and putting on the same idiotic act. For some bizarre reason, they’ve acheived a ridiculous level of fame; they’re regularly mentioned on various T.V. broadcasts and highlights shows (including TSN’s SportsCentre last night after their antics at yesterday’s Jays’ game in Seattle), and they’ve received plenty of glowing profiles too. You’ll probably find no bigger fan of umpires than me; I worked as a softball umpire for a good six years, and I’ve got a lot of respect for how tough their job is. Moreover, the books by former major league umpires Ron Luciano and Kenny Kaiser are some of my favourite baseball reading. These fans claim they’re paying tribute to umpires, but they’re doing so in a stupid, clownish way that not only degrades the profession, but ruins the experience of other fans around them. Their fifteen minutes of fame are already up; they should quit while they’re ahead.

Typical fan who enjoys this: Well, thanks to the FanHouse profile linked above, we actually know a fair bit about these guys. Their names are Tim Williams and Joe Farrell, and they’re both traders at the Toronto Stock Exchange. It’s not enough for them to flaunt their massive amounts of cash with season’s tickets to the best seats in the house; they have to go on all the road trips, buy the official costumes and annoy everyone around them. They also make all other Jays fans look bad by association.

Tim Williams and Joe Farrell enjoy acting like clowns and making Blue Jays fans look bad. Also, Nickelback.

What it tells us about the human condition: For guys like these, it’s not about enjoying the show, it’s about being the show. They think they’re kind of a big deal, so they’re determined to go out there and get as much publicity as they can. They’re not fans of baseball or the Jays, at least not first and foremost: they’re fans of getting attention. Unfortunately, they’ve been given far too much of that over the years.

Agree? Disagree? Have other annoying traditions to add? Let me know in the comments!