The Rookies

We find our, um, “hero” at home trying to open a bag of sunflower seeds to help cope with getting jerked around by the ABC people in charge of The Superstars.

Jeff: Man, those ABC guys really need to make up their minds. First me and the girl made of Doritos are off the show, then all of a sudden we’re back on it! If only I could get these sunflower seeds open I’d sure as shootin’ feel better! (wrestles with bag for several hours, finally asks a small child to open the bag)

Jeff: Hey kid, can you open these for me?

Adorable Little Kid: What’s it worth to you?

Jeff: How about a baseball signed by yours truly?

Adorable Little Kid: F— that, gimme twenty bucks.

Jeff: …ok.

(Jeff pays the kid, who promptly runs off with the seeds and murders several forms of endangered animals with them)

Jeff: Hehe, what a little rapscallion.

(While Jeff is distracted a shadowy figure creeps up from behind and punches him in the ear)

Jeff: Ow! What’d you do that for?

Shadowy Figure: Because I was sent here to kill you Jeff Kent!

Jeff: How do you know my name?! Have we met before?

Shadowy Figure: Yes Jeff, we HAVE met before! Behold, it is I, David Cone!

(Audience gasps)

Jeff: But, but…why would you want to kill me?

Cone: Because dear Jeffrey, the Mets traded me for you in 1992, and at the time it was an embarrassingly lopsided trade!

Jeff: The Mets got Ryan Thompson too!

Cone: That is inconsequential! I must kill you now!

(The two engage in Mortal Kombat, briefly teaming up to take out Sub-Zero)

Jeff: Hold on a minute! Didn’t you win a World Series with that ‘92 Blue Jays team?

Cone: Why yes, yes I did.

Jeff: Then shouldn’t you be happy about that trade?

Cone: (Does quick calculations in his head) Great Scott! (Audience throws toilet paper) You’re right Jeff! How silly of me to try and kill you over that 17 years later. Welp, see ya later!

(Cone scurries back to his dank YES Network office/dungeon)

Jeff: My that was odd. Well, no use thinking about it now!

(Starts humming “Just Dance”)

Jeff: Boy that Lady GaGa sure is talented!

(A second dark shadowy figure comes up from behind and punches Jeff in the kidney)

Jeff: What the…who are you now?!

Second Shadowy Figure: Guess Who!

Jeff: OK, um, are you…Lee Iacocca?

Second Shadowy Figure: Candyland!

Jeff: Is…is that a yes? What does that mean?

Second Shadowy Figure: Crocodile Dentist! Mouse Trap!

Jeff: Are you saying you perform dentistry on crocodiles? With mouse traps? WHO ARE YOU?! (Pulls off the Second Shadowy Figure’s hood revealing none other than Cubs outfielder and former teammate Milton Bradley)

Milton Bradley: Battleship! (Sweeps the leg)

Jeff: Oh dear, do you still think I’m a racist? Is that why you’re trying to kill me now?

Milton Bradley: Yahtzee!

(Jeff attempts to fight back, but Milton dodges every attack)

Jeff: How in the world did you get so good at not getting hit(s)?

Milton Bradley: Ants in the Pants! Twister!

Jeff: Um…ok…

Milton Bradley: Connect Four! (Hits Jeff in the face four times)

Jeff: Pretty sneaky Milton. But try this on for size! (Shoots a laser out of his moustache)

(The two battle back and forth for an hour)

Jeff: This battle is hanging in the balance!

Milton Bradley: Jenga! Jeeeeeenga!

Jeff: Nice try, but you can’t psych me out! (Punches Milton in the crotch)

Milton Bradley: (grabbing injured groin) Kerplunk! The Game of Life! Hungry Hungry Hippos!

(JT Snow steps out of the shadows)

JT: (Picks up several small black children, slow claps) Well done Jeffrey, you’ve made it past my minions.

Jeff: You guys know each other?

Milton Bradley: Axis and Allies!

Jeff: But why?

Milton Bradley: Don’t Spill The Beans!

JT: Oh shush you. I’m here Mr. Kent, to exact my final revenge on you! Even though I succeeded in ending your friendship with Barry Bonds I’m still mad you never invited me out to Chuck E. Cheeses after you guys stopped talking. What’s so special about Benito Santiago anyway?

Jeff: He was a pretty good catcher! That’s all I was looking for at the time! That’s all anyone is ever looking for!

JT: I would have been your catcher Jeff! The best catcher ever.

And this is getting dangerously close to slash fiction, so…

(BIG MANLY, HETEROSEXUAL FIGHT SCENE FEATURING TARANTINO LEVELS OF BLOOD AND GORE)

JT: (Panting) You are one formidable foe Jeff Kent, but I have an ace up my sleeve! (Pulls out gun and shoots Jeff)

To be continued…

Now.

JT: Haha! I have defeated my mortal enemy!

(Barry Bonds suddenly arrives)

Barry: Oh goodness! Someone shot Jeff with a very realistic looking squirt gun! And he fell in the pie I just baked!

Jeff: (Realizes he’s OK, gets up) Barry, what are you doing here?

Barry: I was just letting the pie I made for the contest at the county fair cool here in my special pie cooling place when I heard all the commotion! Then JT said he drove apart our friendship! What an asshole!

Jeff: Yeah! Tell ya what old friend, let’s fight him together, just like old times.

Barry: Deal!

JT: (Slowly backing away) Hold on now, let’s think about this…

Jeff: Too late for that Snow!

(Combined with the power of a big black man Jeff easily defeats JT Snow)

Barry: What should we do with him now?

Jeff: Hmmm…I know! (Whispers idea in Barry’s ear)

Barry: Oh that’s good!

(Jeff and Barry proceed to drop JT off at Chuck E Cheeses, but DON’T GIVE HIM MONEY FOR GAME TOKENS BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Thus concludes this chapter of Jeff Kent’s Life After Retirement, for more of Jeff’s exploits please read the following posts:

Episode One: Jeff Goes To The Movies

Episode Two: Jeff Goes To The Zoo

Episode Three: Clemens’ Cookout

Episode Four: The Reilly Incident

Episode Five: Jeff The Superstar