The Rookies

This past weekend, the New York Mets and New York Yankees took part in the much-hyped “Subway Series.” While the lasting image from the series will be Luis Castillo’s entry into the Fred Merkle Bonehead Hall of Fame, we must not forget the efforts of Yankees reliever Brian Bruney to steal the spotlight. Bruney, who is on a rehab assignment for the Yankees, made a point of criticizing Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez, saying that his celebrations were “embarassing” and “a tired act.” K-Rod is arguably the best closer in the game, having set the record for saves in a season last year. Bruney is a set up man who has spent most of the year on the DL. He’s pitched in fewer games than K-Rod has saved. Clearly, Brian has a problem picking on people his own size-and not in the normal direction. So who will Bruney criticize next?

Movie Director and Producer Judd Apatow:        Bruney, an avid movie-goer, has grown sick and tired of Judd Apatow. “Can’t you all see he’s been making the same movie over and over again? Knocked Up? Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Pineapple Express? Enough with the ordinary guys coming good stories! Do something innovative for once.”

Rap Mogul Jay-Z:       Bruney often listens to rap music to get himself psyched up before games. It appears that Jay-Z is not on his playlist. “Really, I’m just embarassed for Jay-Z. He could’ve left on top after The Black Album, but he had to come back. I guess running a crappy trendy nightclub in NYC wasn’t enough for him. His flow is stale and the industry has passed him by. Death of Autotune? Please. Jay, you could use some of that Autotune. T-Pain is the wave of the future, so Hova, you should get out of the way.”

Best-selling Author Dan Brown:       Bruney became a voracious reader during his rehab stint (greyhounds instead of planes  in AAA, you know), and has some choice words for author Dan Brown. “Brown is probably the most overrated author out there today. Sure, he wrote a couple best sellers, but that was like five years ago. Now he’s too busy watching his books be made into movies to bother finishing his new one. Isn’t it a year and a half late? I mean come on. Its not like he’s writing fine literature, here. How much more research do you need to make some more mumbo jumbo about symbology and religion? Get on with it, Dan!”

President Barack Obama:       Finally, Bruney couldn’t resist extending his criticism to the highest office in the land. “President Obama really hasn’t impressed me so far, to be honest. I mean, I know he has high approval ratings and great catchphrases like ‘hope’ and ‘change’, but where’s the substance? All he’s done is give some pretty speeches and spend a lot of our money for us. He better step it up soon.”