The Rookies

Shortly after his 2007 death, it was discovered that Kurt Vonnegut had once written for Sports Illustrated. The story goes that he was told to write about a horse that jumped the rail and ran amok in the infield, but after sitting at his desk for hours he left the building silently. The only thing written on his now abandoned typewriter was this:

The horse jumped over the fucking fence.

It would seem that these seven words are all that Vonnegut would contribute to the world of sports journalism, truly a devastating blow for a genre that now includes Mariotti, Plaschke and Bayless.

Fortunately, after almost two years of research, I’ve found an astounding amount of other such attempts by the illustrious writer. These items were not easy to track down as they did not appear in reputable publications. It seems as though most of his work was published by World Classics Library, a Los Angeles based company that specialized in hardcore pornography. For these magazines he wouldn’t have to worry about editors or deadlines, as they simply used what he wrote to add bulk to their issues so they could charge a higher price. Oftentimes they would change the name of what he had written. For instance, a story on Game 1 of the 1954 World Series, originally titled The Catch became Giant Snatch.

It might come as a surprise that towards the end of his life Vonnegut began to write about a subject he never showed any real affinity for. Maybe he wanted to remark about the cultural impact of the games and their historic moments or maybe he just wanted to show that he could write a story about a horse jumping over a fucking fence. And although Kurt is up in Heaven now, I’m sure he would be thrilled that these works finally reach a more suitable audience.

The previous installment in this series was the earliest piece I found and what kind of Vonnegut fan would I be if I posted them in chronological order? I’ve given you the first, and now I’ll give you the last, his recounting of the 2007 Fiesta Bowl which occurred a little over three months before his death. Originally titled Protocols of the Elders of the BCS it was later renamed Fucking All Day.

Listen:
The Oklahoma Sooners and Boise State Broncos were collegiate football teams playing in the Fiesta Bowl in 2007. Oklahoma was renowned for having a perennially good football team. Boise State was best known for having a stadium with blue turf. The Broncos were in the Western Athletic Conference. They were one of two undefeated teams in the country. The other was in the Big Ten Conference. They received a berth in the national championship. This story is not about that game. There is nothing intelligent to say about a massacre.

This is how the game began: Oklahoma 0 Boise State 0

This is how the game ended: Oklahoma 42 Boise State 43

With a few minutes left to go in the third quarter Boise State was up by 18 points. But Oklahoma scored a touchdown and a field goal and another touchdown and so on. With a few seconds left to go in the game the Broncos were down by seven. At this point the number of people that thought Boise State would win was the same as it had been before the game started. That number was zero. The chief weapon of the Broncos, however, was their capacity to astonish. Nobody else could believe until it was too late, how skilled and imaginative they were.

The Fiesta Bowl was first played in 1971 and started as a way for the frustrated Western Athletic Conference to ensure that their champion received a bowl berth. Even when they went undefeated, WAC teams would be passed over for the more prestigious bowls. The game is now part of a series called the Bowl Championship Series. One criticism of the system was that they slight teams from certain conferences including the WAC. Oklahoma was in the Big 12, they didn’t have to worry about missing out on important bowl games. When it came to football the Sooners were fabulously well-to-do

When Boise State lined up for fourth and eighteen with less than twenty seconds to play everyone was expecting a gimmick, a trick, a miracle. Prayers rose up from the stands and those watching on television with hopes that a higher power might intervene to fool the much vaunted defense. Of the numerous plays they could have ran, Boise State decided on the “hook and lateral.” A “hook and lateral” is a play where the quarterback throws the ball downfield to a receiver who then pitches the ball to teammate with the hope that they can catch the defense running in the wrong direction. A “hook and ladder” was a type of fire engine that looked like this:

It worked.

Oklahoma fans were in shock. Boise State and all other fans were ecstatic. God was utterly indifferent. The almighty being had nothing to do with Oklahoma’s defensive backs over pursuing on the play. People do not need God’s help to be fooled.

Bowl games were created as a means to attract tourists to warm weather locations during some of the coldest months of the year. They took place several weeks after the regular season ended as fans would need the time to board choo-choo trains after Christmas in order to attend the games. These trains had whistles that were blown by steam and sounded as though they were made from the voice boxes of mating or dying dinosaurs. A dinosaur was a reptile as big as a choo-choo train it looked like this:

Adrian Peterson opened up the overtime period with a twenty-five yard touchdown run for the Sooners. Peterson was the most gifted athlete on the field and everyone knew it. People would say he was as strong as an ox and as quick as a jackrabbit. A jackrabbit was a type of mammal with long legs and long ears. It looked like this:

When a jackrabbit was scared smooth muscle fibers were activated causing its hair to stand on end. This was a mechanism for warding off defenders. Humans had these same fibers. They were a mechanism for nothing. They had long since lost their usefulness. When a jackrabbit senses danger its hair stands on end. When a human senses danger it calls the police.

Down one point Broncos coach Chris Peterson decided to go for the win. With three receivers lined up to the right Zabransky faked a pass and with his non-throwing hand gave the ball to running back Ian Johnson. This was known as the Statue of Liberty play. The Statue of Liberty was an American monument that greeted millions of immigrants from Europe looking for food, work and land in the United States. It looked like this:

The play was called as such because the pose a quarterback strikes right when he deceives the defense is said to bear a resemblance to the statue. To the poor people coming to America the monument represented a level of opportunity beyond comprehension. Soon they found that they were treated just as bad as before. It made them think they were at fault for not succeeding in a country filled with such possibility. It was an incredible trick.

It worked.