The Rookies

It is with great pride that The Rookies presents episode two of the ongoing saga of Jeff Kent’s life after retirement.

Jeff Kent has spent the week since his trip to the movies at home watching a Hills marathon.

Jeff: What an amazing show! MTV sure got lucky when they picked someone with a life as exciting as LC’s to follow around. Most people’s lives wouldn’t be near entertaining enough for television without writers! And that Spencer fellow sure is a swell guy! I’m just sad the marathon is over, aren’t you Davey?

Davey: (does dead dog type things) …

Jeff: (shoots Davey’s decaying bones) You know, you’re right buddy, I SHOULD get out more! But where to go?

TV: Come on down to the Los Angeles Zoo! Fun for the whole family!

(Jeff shoots TV)

Jeff: Well that was fun! And that last thing it said sounded fun too! Look out zoo, here comes Jeff Kent!

(Drives Dodge Stratus to zoo, approaches front entrance)

Zoo Worker: Welcome to the Los Angeles Zoo!

Jeff: (shoots zoo worker) Why thank you! Boy this is going to be fun!

(Walks to elephant enclosure, imagines targets on elephant)

(shoots elephant, it refuses to go down)

Jeff: Boy that elephant sure is strong! I’d better come back later with better equipment!

(pulls out “To Do” list, writes “Buy elephant gun from Plaxico” at the top)

(walks over to childrens play area, shoots all children in sight)

Jeff: Oh look! I bet that slide is loads of fun!

(spends next 2 hours on slide)

Jeff: Wow, that sure was exciting! But I think I wanna go see the monkeys now!

(walks to monkey enclosure)

Jeff: Oh dear! That one monkey appears to be harming that other monkey!

(monkeys are getting it on)

Jeff: Won’t someone please help that monkey?! No one? I guess I’ll have to do it!

(jumps into enclosure, while trying to break up monkey sex becomes involuntary partner)

Passerby: Oh goodness! What is that man doing?! (shields the eyes of the innocent children)

Big black PETA guy: (becomes overly self-righteous)

Big black PETA guy: HOW DARE YOU ABUSE THOSE ANIMALS! PETA SMASH! (knocks Jeff Kent unconscious after resisting a half dozen bullet wounds)

Announcer: Is this the end of Jeff Kent? Will PETA take over the world? Who thought that elephant slide was a good idea? Why did they decide to add an announcer now? Find out the answers to these and other questions next time on Jeff Kent’s Life After Retirement!